


December 17th, Santa

by PrussiaSheiala



Series: Christmas Oneshots 2019 [17]
Category: Super Junior
Genre: Heechul is bad at feelings, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-18
Updated: 2019-12-18
Packaged: 2021-02-18 07:36:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21840610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrussiaSheiala/pseuds/PrussiaSheiala
Summary: Heechul hates 2019, there is no question about it, but Jungsoo luckily is always there to pick him up when he needs it.
Relationships: Han Geng | Hankyung/Kim Heechul, Kim Heechul/Park Jungsoo | Leeteuk
Series: Christmas Oneshots 2019 [17]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1558273
Comments: 8
Kudos: 51





	December 17th, Santa

**Author's Note:**

> Pairing:  
> Heechul x Jungsoo  
> Santa

If you asked Heechul, 2019 could really just go and die in a fire. He didn't even want to think about everything that had gone on. He just… he felt so alone.

He normally loved Christmas, but this Christmas just felt empty, another Super Junior comeback he couldn't be a part of, another Super Junior tour he couldn't be part of. Sometimes he wondered if it was better if he just… officially left the group, would anybody even miss him? Would Elf miss him? Would his members miss him?

It had been 10 years since Hangeng left Super Junior, but in moments like that, Heechul couldn't help but wish that the other man was back with them. He had met Hangeng publicly for the first time that year, it was right after…. That… and feeling the other mans strong arms wrap around him was something he hadn't realised just how much he needed.

He had to force himself to not cry with all the camera's on them, the only reason he hadn't cried was Hangeng words of "later…" in heavy accented Korean.

They did meet up later, where Heechul did indeed cry his eyes out, something that he would later deny ever doing. In the end, they just ended up talking, for the first time in 10 years, they talked about the love they left behind so many years ago.

The fledgeling romance had just really started when Hangeng left, he hadn't told Heechul what he was about to do. They were both so young back then, neither really knew how to navigate their first-ever homosexual relationship.

Heechul was mad when had found the letter Hangeng had left behind, it was about how he loved Heechul so much, but if he had to look him in the eyes, he might just stay, and there was a good chance that at the end that would kill him.

26-year-old Heechul, was not happy with that answer, he cursed the Chinese man to every ear that would even listen, he knew that he was a brat, but he had always protected his heart until Hangeng got him to open it up.

He had been bitter, he had been hurt, and most of all… his heart was broken.

After that, Heechul still dated around, males, female… whatever was working, but his heart was guarded, as he was afraid to open it up. He even started to shut out friends, if Hangeng could hurt him, why wouldn't his friends do the same? On camera and when needed to, he would put up his social butterfly mask, but behind doors… he was lonely and shutting everybody out.

2011, 2 years after Hangeng had left, it was clear to everybody that it wasn't just something that Heechul would snap out of. Somebody would have to do something about it, all of Super Junior tried their best to get something… anything out of Heechul, but he had put up his walls. He was not letting anybody in.

That was what lead to the infamous Incheon fight between Heechul and Jungsoo, finally, haven gotten enough of everything, Jungsoo was done with just walking in needles around Heechul. He wanted his friend back, and he saw no other options than to be harsh against him.

Neither Heechul than Jungsoo could really remember what had been said. All they both agreed on was that insults got slung both ways, neither of them was innocent. The argument first stopped after the first punch had been thrown by Heechul, it was meant to hit Jungsoo. Instead, it hit Kyuhyun who had stepped between them, to try and get his hyung's to stop fighting.

Of course, neither Heechuk nor Jungsoo ever wanted to hurt their precious maknae, quickly stopping all fighting from making sure that the younger was okay.

Everything didn't fix itself by fighting, of course, it didn't, they had many awkward performances where they were supposed to lean against each other's backs, but instead just ending up with a weird space between them as they were too awkward to actually make a move.

In the end, they ended up working it out between them, away from the rest of their group's eyes. It was a pretty conversation, both were guarded and struggled to really open up to each other, but in the end… they talked it out.

Jungsoo was the first person that Heechul ever admitted his relationship with Hangeng to, and Jungsoo opened up about his struggles to be the leader. Jungsoo knew that there was no way that Heechul would ever open up to him without getting something in return, some kind of trust back.

More tears were shed that day than either was willing to admit, but they grew closer after that, Heechul started opening up more and trusting more people. The younger members of the group, of course, didn't know what had gone down, all they knew was that their hyungs were more themselves again, and it seemed that Heechul had finally snapped out of it.

He still had bad days, bad weeks or even bad months… Or in 2019… bad year… but he was better.

He was just… so lonely.

Super Junior was… God knows where they were on tour anymore, he had muted the group conversation not wanting to know about all the things that he could no longer take part in. He didn't even know when they were coming home.

All he knew was that he was lonely, it was dark outside, and the snow was falling. He did maybe have half a bottle of wine, but he felt like he had really deserved it, cause everybody was gone and he was just so lonely.

He grabbed for his phone, he wasn't sure for what, to drunk text? To do a drunk lifestream? Anything that meant he would have actual human contact with somebody else, even if it was just fans on his lifestream. He was desperate for anything.

Sadly, or maybe luckily… he couldn't find his phone. He had probably dropped it somewhere when he was angry at it, he knew that he could reach other to his brothers in Super Junior, he knew he should do that, but it was so hard for him to shake it off when he was in the mood he was currently in.

He knew that he had promised to speak to Jungsoo if he was ever feeling like this, that was their promise to each other, that Jungsoo would speak to him if he felt overwhelmed by being the leader and Heechul would talk to him if he ever got bad, if he ever felt like shutting himself away from the world, if he started to feel lonely.

He hadn't contacted Jungsoo, even tho he had promised to, instead, he had barricaded himself in his house, only leaving when he needed to and was forced to, just hugging close Sulli's cat which he had taken over the care for.

Heechul stared at the ceiling over his house, he was lying on the coach wearingly only an oversized t-shirt, he knew he shouldn't be, he knew that it was Jungsoo's and he shouldn't be wearing it. That he was just leading himself to more heartbreak.

He wasn't sure what he and Jungsoo weren't anymore, they weren't just friends anymore, somehow along the time, they had crossed that line, and Heechul honestly had no idea when it was done. 

He missed Jungsoo, but he couldn't tell him that.

Everything was just so confusing, he didn't know what to do… what to say, who he was anymore.

Fuck 2019, fuck everything.

The somebody was at his door, Heechul had moved not long ago, and in his drunk mind he couldn't even get himself to care if it was a crazy fan that had found him again, he had stopped caring.

He couldn't even find it in himself to care if he was about to be axe murderer, at least there would be somebody there then? That had to mean something, right?

It wasn't a crazy fan tracking him down that came in the door. Instead, it was… Jungsoo locking himself into the house using the key he had gotten from Heechul's manager, with a fake Santa beard and a Santa hat "hohoho, who has been a good…" he didn't finish. Instead, he took in the scene in front of him "Chullie?" Taking in the state of the room and its owner, Jungsoo could feel his heart drop.

"You were supposed to call me before this happened…" Jungsoo dropped the fake Santa sack he brought gifts in, to instead kneeling beside the drunk man on the couch.

"Jungsoo? What are you even doing here?" Heechul just looked confused, he wasn't even really sure if it was Jungsoo or just another gist from his imagination "you have… countries to be in."

"Oh…" Jungsoo realised that it was much worse than he had first imagined as he ripped off the fake beard to then wrap his arms around his friend who had realised, had gotten way further than was ever healthy "Chullie, we finished the tour 4 days ago, I wrote to you so many times, I thought you were just busy playing video games. Your manager said you were doing okay, but you aren't doing okay. You were meant to talk to me."

Heechul, who was normally quick to fight off a hug, preferring when he was the one to start, often feeling overwhelmed if somebody else was the one starting it, just gave in and let himself be hugged close to the olders chest.

He couldn't stop it, it was just all too much as he started sobbing into his leader's chest, everything… the pressure of everything that had happened that year finally got to him. All he could do was cry, all he could do was finally let it all out, and finally let himself be held.

"Just let it all out, it's okay now… Just let it all out."

And Heechul cried… and he cried…

All the tears he had denied himself for so long, he cried for the people he lost, for himself and for his feelings. They sat like that for a long while, until Heechul had no more tears. When he was out of tears, and the warm hoodie Jungsoo had arrived in was covered in tears, they just looked at each other before the leader kissed his forehead and as softly as possible, dragged Heechul to the bedroom.

Jungsoo knew better than to try and talk with Heechul at that moment, he knew that his friend needed sleep, and when he was sober, they could talk. It seemed that they finally could not push it anymore, they needed to talk.

So he cuddled them up in Heechul's big bed, he made sure that the other man was tugged against his chest before Jungsoo once against pecked him on the forehead "now sleep, we talk in the morning."

It was a sign to just how much Heechul had cried himself into a fit, that he didn't even argue with Jungsoo, instead just closing his eyes, and accepting the darkness of sleep finally going over him.

The sun hadn't risen yet when they both woke up, Jungsoo had woken up almost a full hour before Heechul, but was happy settling for just watching over the other man as he got some much-needed sleep.

Heechul looked so serene when sleep, he had grown out his hair, and he now sported shoulder-length bleach blonde locks that fanned around him, Jungsoo couldn't stop himself from running a hand through them. His favourite hair on Heechul always the slightly longer styles, tied into tiny ponytails that he would let Jungsoo loosen at the end of the day when the ponytail headaches became too much.

"I didn't think you would be here when I woke up, I weren't even sure if you were real." Heechul's voice was rough from sleep, but clear, sign that he had been awake longer than he was letting on.

Jungsoo traced a soft finger over Heechul's still closed eyes as he let the Super Junior Diva cuddle closer to him "have you started seeing things? Things that aren't there?"

The other man just shook his head "no, but I wouldn't be surprised if I had. I just… I really wanted to see you yesterday. Really I just wanted to see anybody, but you specifically would be nice." it was the closest thing Jungsoo had gotten in years to actually have a confession from Heechul.

While Heechul might be confused about their relationship, Jungsoo wasn't this man, this over the top… confusing… gorgeous man… was his boyfriend. They spend as much time with each other as possible, they kissed, the cuddled, they loved each other. They didn't see other people, the only thing missing was just the words.

Jungsoo didn't need those words, it was why he never pushed them from Heechul, he was always ready for he himself to say that he loved Heechul, and that was enough for him. He understood Heechul's past, he understood the other man had been hurt before, he understood that he struggled to open up again.

"That's good, at least." Jungsoo pressed a short kiss to the man's lips, he knew Heechul enough that he would start complaining about morning breath if he went for a real kiss, so a peck had to be enough for then.

"I talked to Hangeng at the event."

That got a reaction from Jungsoo who awkwardly stiffened next to him, it wasn't that Jungsoo disliked Hangeng, he missed the Chinese man as well, but he disliked the memories it brought up for Heechul, whenever he saw Hangeng it took Jungsoo days to get him out of his funk.

It did explain a lot of things "oh?"

Jungsoo wasn't against Heechul going to see Hangeng, he wasn't against their friendship, he was… he didn't like how it affected Heechul.

"We talked about our relationship… finally… He is getting married, did you know that?"

"Yeah… I saw it on Naver." Jungsoo was worried, Heechul seemed… like he wasn't really there, "was it a good chat?"

A part of Jungsoo knew that Heechul and Hangeng would never get back together, even if Hangeng was not getting married, there were too many hurt feelings between them, it would never work out.

Another much bigger part of Jungsoo was scared. He knew he was secure in his relationship with Heechul, even if it wasn't perfect and they all both had the stuff to work on, but a part of him couldn't help but feel that all it took was one word from Hangeng and they would break apart… Heechul would go back to him.

Then like he snapped back into him, Heechul opened his eyes staring at Jungsoo, anger was in his normally pretty eyes and Jungsoo confused who he was angry with, it reminded him a little too much of the only real fight so many years ago.

His words were full of both hatred and sadness "why does he get to be okay? Why does he get to move on like this? Have a relationship like nothing happen? Why I'm, I like this?! Why can he trust people, when I struggle to open up to friends! I keep fucking up this relationship, is it even a relationship, cause I can't trust anybody."

Heechul had pushed Jungsoo away from him at that point, and the older could see that he was starting to spiral, he was starting to get out of control, "Chullie, please you need to calm down."

"Why… Why… It isn't fair, is it just cause I am fucked up? Is this all my fault? Do I deserve this."

Heechul rarely showed it, but Jungsoo knew that he had deep seethed self-worth issues that really got to grow after Hangeng left. Hangeng leaving was like a catalyst for it.

He couldn't let Heechul spiral more, pulling the man close to his chest again to hug him "you are okay, you are not fucked up, you are not broken. You are perfect just the way you are! You know you are perfect, not just right now, but at any point."

"I am fucking terrible person, I make you feel bad constantly, you tell me you love me so much… you make sure that I feel better, that nothing bad is happening to me or my mind. I do nothing in return." 

"Baby that isn't right, I know you don't think it. But I know that when I feel overwhelmed, you take jobs meant for me, even if you won't admit it. I know you care, and you do help me. Yes, I am more vocal, you need to hear that you are loved, I don't need for you to say it. I already know it and that is enough. For me, your action speaks much louder than your words." Deciding to ignore Heechul's normal need for teeth hygiene, Jungsoo kissed him. Taking Heechul's face between his hands and just kissing him.

The kiss lasted longer than either of them planned, and when they broke apart, Jungsoo leaned his forehead against Heechul's, both breathing heavily.

And then for the first time, Jungsoo actually heard the words.

"I love you."

**Author's Note:**

> Tommorows pairing:  
> Taemin x Jimin  
> Christmas Party
> 
> If you want to chat or just see what stupid stuff I got myself stuck in this time here:  
> [My writing twitter](https://twitter.com/PrussiaSheiala)  
> [ My Kpop YouTube / Last Week Kpop News ](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCv_HrTXOP68zP0ZtXASF1zw?view_as=subscriber)  
> [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/LadyPrussia)


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